December 21, 2012 was supposed to be humanity's last day on earth, but close to a year later, this rock is still spinning. Considering some of the music that's been released in the past year, it's my theory that the Mayans simply forgot to carry a one.
Here are 13 mind-bogglingly godawful videos from the past year, sure to baffle, upset, and even terrify you. Music this bad can only serve as a testament to the fact that mankind is entering the age of the apocalypse.
13. "Best Song Ever" - One Direction
We'll start things off with the least appropriately-titled music video in human history. "Best Song Ever" seems like a bad joke, but even worse than the song is the fact that they star as every single character in the video. Perhaps the only thing more offensive to the senses than One Direction's music is their profoundly abysmal acting. They do make pretty passable girls, though...
12. "Let Me Go" - Avril Lavigne & Chad Kroeger
Faux-punk pop songstress Avril Lavigne and Nickleback's eternally constipated Chad Kroeger are a power couple of suck. In the above video, Lavigne's cold air lameness combines with Kroeger's warm air front of bland mediocrity to create a tornado of aural torture. Listen above, I guess.
11. “Fade to Black” – Justin Bieber (Metallica cover. Sort of.)
In addition to his asinine Brazilian escapades and his German monkeyshines, Justin Bieber also committed an egregious a cappella assault on Metallica's "Fade To Black." Fortunately, it's only 15 seconds long, but the effects may last a lifetime. You've been warned.
10. "Green Auras" - GabeDay
Brilliant and famous actor Daniel Day-Lewis has a rapper for a son who goes by the name of GabeDay. His song, "Green Auras" is the depressing result of a spoiled teenager's hip-hop fantasies made real by some freak accident. Lighting struck a lake filled with toxic sludge and this video was dredged from the filth, a still-breathing monster begging to be put out of its misery. When this video was posted, the internet's reaction was swift and brutal. The video has since been pulled, but someone's re-uploaded it as a warning to future generations of aspiring rappers.
9. "Pop That" - Lil' Poopy
This is Lil' Poopy. He's 9 years old. He's proof that the future can only hold death and destruction. This video serves as a bleak prophecy of the world to come. Poopy isn't really the problem. He's only 9. He didn't pay for this video, so really, the adults involved are to blame. This is the music video equivalent of bringing your kids to buy meth at 3 AM before stopping off at the Super Walmart to shoplift Spam. I'd be worried about Poopy's future, but fortunately, 2013 is the year the world ends.
8. "Mass Text" - Tay Allyn
The world of manufactured pop stars is getting far more frightening, and 24-year-old Tay Allyn's "Mass Text" is an unintentionally grim glimpse into the world of sad-eyed high school desperation. Allyn's video might have gone viral for the "so-bad-it's-funny" factor, but even then, 24-year-olds hanging around high schools are rarely praised.
7. "Accidental Racist" - Brad Paisley & LL Cool J
Thanks for trying to patch up race relations, guys, but I don't think a thoughtlessly executed song scribbled on a bar napkin is gonna do it. With lyrical gems like "If you don't judge my gold chains, I'll forget the iron chains," this song could have been uproariously funny satire if it weren't dead serious. Fortunately, Stephen Colbert responded with "Oopsie Daisy Homophobe," which provided a brief and faint glimmer of hope to the ever-darkening world.
6. "Work Bitch" - Britney Spears
Britney Spears returned to us with an edgier attitude and a pseudo-British accent, which is a perfect metaphor for the current state of music: The music industry is fading, but rather than focus on creating better music, the folks in charge have decided to create envelope-pushing spectacles for us to gawk at. I don't even have a joke for this part.
5. "Bound 2" - Kanye West
Kanye's brazen arrogance often goes unquestioned, and with good reason. The man is a creative genius. Who else could have come up with such a flawless concept for a music video? Green screen? Check. Stationary motorcycle? Check. Topless sex-tape star / non-celebrity Kim Kardashian? Check. Pure genius. Art. This video makes the Mona Lisa look the the incomprehensible doodles of the criminally insane. The only thing that could be better is if the video starred James Franco and Seth Rogen instead. Oh, wait. They did that. Thank god.
4. "Ascension Millennium" - Corey Feldman
This is one of the more baffling videos on the list. Corey Feldman shouldn't be making music videos. He should be relaxing on a massive pile of money somewhere, living off those doubtlessly sizable Goonies royalties checks. But, here we are. It's rather fitting, though, that this atrocious musical monstrosity is high on the list of songs bringing about the apocalypse, because THERE ARE ALREADY THEORIES THAT THIS IS ABOUT THE END TIMES.
3. "ABCDEFG" - Alison Gold
Alison Gold is the new Rebecca Black. Her first "hit" was the overtly racist "Chinese Food," but that wasn't enough. Produced by Patrice Wilson, the same guy behind Rebecca Black's "Friday," this video is a bone-chilling nightmare masquerading as a fun, upbeat pop song. Wilson peers in through bedroom windows, invites young girls into a windowless van, and then slips stuff in their drinks. Seriously. Why do people continue to let this man near their children?
2. "We Can't Stop" - Miley Cyrus
After the huge amount of controversy generated by Miley Ray Cyrus at this year's VMAs, there is only one possible conclusion about "We Can't Stop." The chorus isn't a declaration. It's a cry for help. Somebody, please help Miley stop. Please.
1. "About That Life" - Attila
This is an anthem for the coming generation. Attila's metalcore jackassery is surely the most offensive thing to happen to eyes and ears this year, but worse, it foretells a desolate, windswept world ahead of us. If this is the future of music, if this is the direction our planet is heading, if this is what passes for rock and roll, then we are surely all doomed. There is no other possibility. 2013 is the year the world ends.
Hug your loved ones, make peace with your god, leave food out for your pets, and go outside and lie down on the sidewalk. The rapture is coming soon.