Music

"Ascension Millenium" - Corey Feldman [Official Video]

Jimmy Haas

by Jimmy Haas

Published July 2, 2013

 

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Corey Feldman's new music video is something you never knew existed, never wanted to know existed, and is something you'll never forget, all rolled into one. The biggest surprise first and foremost is that Corey Feldman makes music. The second surprise is that he has three albums. What's not a surprise is that this is a terrible, terrible song. Like, really bad. Like, worse than Miley Cyrus' latest abomination and Eddie Murphy and Snoop Lion's joint assault on taste.

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"Ascension Millenium" needs to be seen to be believed. Unfortunately, that involves watching it. But if you really want to understand how bad things can get, they prepare yourself. It's worth it in the end, as it will make you appreciate the little things in life more, the most important thing being that you are no longer watching "Ascension Millenium."

This is a good example of a terrible song being made even worse by a terrible video. It was recently described as "sucking in a way that's hard to believe." While you would imagine that it's perfectly reasonable to believe that both would suck without having seen or heard it, the amount of pain induced by both is not something you could predict.

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In the video, the former Goonies star wakes up in his (we are to assume it's his, I guess) mansion, and proceeds to get ready for the day, get dressed, and party with all the women dressed like angels, young "cool" people (who for some reason are all at Corey Feldman's house, probably totally unaware of who he even is), all the while singing in what could be described as some sort of Michael Jackson impersonation. Also, he's dressed like Michael Jackson. But his gloves are way too small. Seriously, it looks like he's wearing leather gloves made for a ten-year-old child.

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In the vast wasteland that is this piece, one of the strangest things is the incredible amount of product placement for Neon Energy Drink. It seems that this drink is "the future of energy drinks." It claims to be an all-natural energy drink, with caffeine derived from green tea, and a bunch of other fancy sounding plants that will make people think it's different and special. Despite the fact that its just juice with a ton of caffeine in it. Each ingredient also has a long explanation about what magical folk-remedies they've been part of, but each also ends in an asterisk, implying more information or a disclaimer. But, I could not seem to find what the asterisk led to anywhere else on the page. So that didn't seem shady at all. The website invites you to become a distributor, so if you really want to go in on the next sure thing, go for it.

Never mind that this beverage is being consumed at a daytime pool party with a rather small pool. Nothing like pounding energy drinks all day at Corey Feldman's pool party, before you head inside to the dance party, where Feldman displays yet more strange Michael Jackson "tributing" in the form of a dance breakdown. They don't even show the lower half of his body. What kind of special dance segment in a music video only shows the arms? And the Michael Jackson hat covers up most of his head.

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It would be wrong not to mention the music more, because it may be one of the worst songs ever written. It's some kind of horrible blend of electronica, dance, and vocal effects that just make you make an uncomfortable-looking face when you hear it. The words "ascension" and "millenium" are repeated underneath the entirety of the chorus, in case you were unsure as to what you were listening to, or trying to forget. The rest of the song is some kind of robot-infused rap-like thing. Really, there isn't a single redeeming component of this entire work.

Except Sean Astin makes a short appearance for a Goonies reference. That's fine. But the rest, no. No thank you. Let us know if you get through the entire thing.

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via: Yahoo

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