Run The Jewels Announce Totally Insane and Awesome RTJ2 Deluxe Packages

Evan Petersen

by Evan Petersen

Published September 15, 2014


The release of the hotly-anticipated Run The Jewels 2 is fast approaching, and the titular duo will be giving it away as a free download on their official website. You can also purchase the album on a variety of formats, but Killer Mike and El-P didn't stop there.

RTJ2 will also be available in a variety of deluxe packages, running from the $56 vinyl + t-shirt package to the exclusive $5,000 "Super Duper Collectors Deluxe" package, which features the only copies of the RTJ2 master reference discs across 8 LPs. You'll also receive a test pressing, 4 copies of the record, and a boatload of other goodies.

If that's still not enough for you, however, they've organized some other packages. They're all completely ridiculous, from going to your kid's show-and-tell for $25,000, to retiring from music and making you an exclusive song every year for $10,000,000. Check out the full list of totally baller packages below. Or just download the free album on October 27th like a schnook. Be warned, though. The small print says, "Run The Jewels reserves the right to take your money and not fulfill any of its obligations as outlined in any package priced at 35k or more," so fans who order the "Meow The Jewels Package" may be waiting a while.

'I'm On The Fucking List, Asshole' Package: $7500

Run The Jewels will put you on the all access guest list plus 1 for any Run The Jewels show anywhere and up to 10 shows. You (and not your plus 1) will be welcome in our back stage before, during and after shows as well as be allowed to hang for soundcheck and load in if you find that sort of thing interesting, have full access to our backstage rider which includes a deli meant tray, various cheeses, a bottle of Henessey, grey goose and various energy bars. We will share our weed with you and let you yell at our tour manager. We will pretend to like you and will introduce you to our friends as our “friend”. Run The Jewels requires a half an hour before stage time to not have to deal with you and your fucking yammering in order to do our pre show stretches, vocal warm ups and crying.

RTJ2 T-shirt
Signed Poster
1 of every merch item we are selling on tour
Deli tray

The Show and Tell Package: $25,000

Run The Jewels will fly to your town and accompany your child to show and tell at his or her school on an agreed upon date (and in the United States) where we will answer any questions the children have about marijuana, rap music and global politics. Run The Jewels will also read the story of your child's choice to the class as well as take a picture with your child and his or her classmates. We will also provide personal bully protection for 24 hours as well as write and record a song with your child. El-P will explain the true nature of the world and teach your child how to curse and smoke (if desired), killer mike will teach your child how to fight and organize local community action.

RTJ2 T-shirt
Signed Poster
Autographed class picture with run the jewels
Hot wheels car

Housesitters Deluxe: $35,000

Run The Jewels will spend an agreed upon weekend at your house where we will smoke all of your weed, listen to your stupid fucking music, and let your mother cook for us.

Also contains:

RTJ2 Original Master Vinyl Acetate (4xLP Master and 4XLP Instrumentals)
RTJ2 Test Press (only 20 in existence)
Limited Edition 4xLP with Instrumentals
Poster and Stickers
Run The Jewels T-shirt

The Meow The Jewels Package: $40,000

Run The Jewels will re-record RTJ2 using nothing but cat sounds for music. You are free to profit from this album in any way you see fit up to 100k in net global profit or 3 years (whichever comes first).

Mystery Time Supreme! Package: $50,000

Run The Jewels will start a private detective agency and make you an employee for a month where you and run the jewels will work together to unravel local mysteries but mostly just smoke weed in the back of your van. Run The Jewels will also show you the secret handshake as well as create a theme song for the company that you can name as long as its not a fucking stupid name. Also included:

RTJ2 T-shirt
Signed Poster
One Rental Van (30 days)
Walkie Talkies

The Jewels Candygram Package: $55,000

Run The Jewels will show up at your door step dressed in clothing made of candy to rap both albums to you personally over the beats of your choice and wish you a happy birthday (or any other occasion). We will then spend the day playing contact ultimate frisbee with your family and friends, ending at dusk where we will build a small, possibly illegal bonfire and drink until one of us urinates where we are sitting.

RTJ2 T-shirt
Signed Poster
Box of candy
Paper towels
Lasting traumatic memories

The Fuck Boy Revenge Package: $100,000

Run The Jewels will fly to your town, stalk and ultimately take revenge upon anyone in your life who has ever wronged you through a series of humiliating and vicious tactics designed to bring shame upon their name and the name of their children. We will then train your enemies pet to love you. This offer does not include murder. Also includes:

RTJ2 T-shirt
Signed Poster

A polaroid photo of your mortal enemy cowering and begging for forgiveness
1 clump of your enemies hair
1 pet*
*offer applies only where available

The We Are Gordon Ramsey Package: $150,000

Run The Jewels will self produce a new episode of Kitchen Nightmares with Gordon Ramsey, with Mike and El both playing Gordon Ramsey. We will travel to a restauraunt with you of your choice, completely uninvited, and attempt to force them to change their menu. All the while verbally abusing and insulting the entire staff to hilarious effect. Also includes:

RTJ2 T-shirt
Signed Poster

The We Are Gordon Ramsey Supreme Package: $200,000

The We Are Gordon Ramsey Package with the addition of: Run The Jewels will film a follow up episode in which we will return to the resturaunt a year later and check on its progress.

The Self Righteousness For Sale Package: $350,000

Run The Jewels will spend 6 months pretending to care about whatever you care about. We will travel to no more than 3 events of your choosing and make eloquent, timely speeches on your causes behalf. We will shoot a heartfelt, informative video for your cause as well as co-author an info packet to be distributed on your causes behalf that includes an original song called “WE’VE GOT TO BRING _ _ _ _ _ _ _ TO AN END”. This offer does not extend to terrorists or cops.

Run The Jewels Retirement Plan Package: $10,000,000

Run The Jewels will retire from music, making only one song a year for you personally. Every song title will be your name with a number next to it. You are free to exploit these recordings however you feel like. Includes:

All run the jewels publishing from any new song created during our retirement
2 fake gold 36” chains
2 green hands
A sticker

For all music, news, and full tour dates from Run The Jewels, check out their Zumic artist page.

Source: Run The Jewels Official Store

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